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i've been trying to write this post for almost a week now,
and yet, i still don't feel my words coming together the way i want.
then i saw this quote today,

Fall seven times, stand up eight.

- Japanese proverb

and the words began to flow...

dad had a doctor appointment last week with a new psychiatrist.
i normally sit outside during these visits to give dad his space,
but this new doctor wanted me to join them
(and jack too since he came along for the ride).
i get very frustrated when doctors ask questions and the answers are on the screen
or chart right in front of them. and i was antsy with jack in that small space.
we reviewed medications, treatments, various aliments...all of the usuals.
then she switched gears and began asking about his mental state...
and i felt the room shrinking and my patience with jack left completely.
she asked him about his current throughts and his previous suicide attempts...
1995. 1996. 1997.

and in an instant i was 15 sitting on our living room floor with my mom and william.
it was a sunday at the end of may.
mom had just been released from the hospital and still had tubes and bandages and such.
and she was crying. uncontrollable crying.
she told us the details she knew...i stopped listening at some point...numb...
i don't remember crying...
i remember comforting my mom.
i remember sitting there for such a long time telling her it will be okay,
but knowing in an instant everything with my dad changed.

on the way home, i was so quiet. i couldn't talk.
i kept thinking of my mom and william and that moment on our living room floor.
then this song came on the radio.
i felt like it was playing just for me.

strawberry wine was one of my favorite songs a long time ago.

i needed to hear it at that very moment in time.

not for the words of the song, but the spirit that it represents...

no matter how many days have passed or events that have changed me,

deep down, i am still the same as i was many years ago when i first heard that song.

...

it's summer. plain and simple.

i love summer.

it's relaxed.

there are no bed times.

friends are always outside to play.

i can stay up late reading.

and we gravitate to our favorite hang out - the snow cone shack at memorial park.

my new favorite this summer...a margarita in a can.

a little bit frothy a little bit limey and a lot yummy.

it's a drink with an identity crisis...am i a beer or am i margarita?

who cares - it's summer!

the boys have started discovering a variety of tv shows.

one of their current favorites is swamp people.

and as you can see, louie is currently hunting for gators in my pond...

i love this kid!

summer means spending time at the pool.

the boys love getting in and out, but it's still too cool for me.

they've been swimming since mother's day weekend!

i'm going to stick to just putting my feet in for a little bit longer,

however after the rain at last night's swim meet, i could've jumped in...

during the summertime there are no schedules.

and sometimes nap time creeps up on you when you least expect it.

jack crashed while playing legos...in the middle of the living room floor.

:)

he's talking so much right now.
and climbing up everything. windows. bleachers. playground equipment.
i can't believe he's almost three.
not so much my baby jack anymore...

sam is loving baseball this year.

baseball is a close second to football.

and i don't complain because i love to watch him play.

i love to hear the excitement in his voice, it makes my heart melt.

another current favorite of mine...

funny how a melody sounds like a memory

i guess there is something to be said for songs about july and being 17 that captivate me,
no matter how old i am.

happy beginning of summer!