decompression

i can feel it creeping up my back and feel it stop right at my shoulders and neck...the tightness, the tension... and i can't seem to shake it.

i felt the beginnings on sunday evening, after a wonderfully relaxing morning and fun afternoon wandering through forest park. we had decided to move the last of the boys clothes to their room. in order to do this, though, required a great deal of cleaning from everyone. the boys were getting rid of toys they don't play with anymore, tom was pitching old pieces of scrap wood, and i was going through boxes i hadn't touched in five years. there is this unwritten rule (i think), that if something is not touched for five years, it needs to be pitched. so i did just that. and it was so hard.

five years ago, we had just moved back to brentwood. sam was starting pre-school, louie was eighteen months old, and i had just packed up my classroom. i wanted to try my hand at being a stay-at-home mom. it lasted for only a few short months before i found a wonderful part-time job. but i had always had the thought tucked away that someday i would go back to teaching.

so, on sunday, i created a variety of piles of teaching materials...all of which will be gone by the end of the week. i am officially closing that door and climbing through the window. a beautifully decorated window, full of candles and great smelling lotions. and i think after five years, i can shut that window behind me.

sadly, i can still feel the tension in my neck...

yesterday, dad and i finally unpacked all of boxes and bags filling his room. he had wanted to leave them alone. he thought it would be easier to move them to the nursing home still packed up. but after a year of being on the waiting list for a va home, i think he has come to the realization that this is his home for now. he pulled out pictures of his family from grand tower and pictures of william and me as kids to decorate his room. the wheelchair is leaving tomorrow.

and he is in good spirits.

i was a bit stressed...i don't know it that's the right word...but, it's the feeling on finality. the feeling that this is really happening. my dad is living with us and he will be with us for the foreseeable future. it made for a very long afternoon.

i think that once the window opens a crack, you just need to find the confidence to throw it open and jump through it. there will be bumps and bruises along the way.

as for me, i am treasuring my time on my nighttime walks and early mornings when no one else is awake.
i love the quiet.
the time to listen to things i enjoy.
to just relax. to decompress. to just be.
i can feel the tension releasing.
i think if i didn't have this time, i would so be a crazy lady by now!
it allows me time to enjoy this side of the window.