plans

i don't even know what to say, but i feel like i need to write.

i've been posting a great deal about the boys this summer.

things have stayed busy. there have been highs and lows the past few months.

but, i really haven't talked about my dad.

this summer, i have rolled my eyes more times than i can count. sadly, i can say that i've actually sighed quiet enough so that my dad couldn't hear me. i've had to reprimand him for giving jack soda.

i am reminded every night, as i lay in bed trying fall asleep that he is in our house...it's either his tv or his snoring that is keeping me up later than normal.

and there are moments when i am reminded of why i chose to not speak to or see my dad for 10 years. he will make a comment about something from the past or say something about my mom and i get a tinge deep in my stomach. then i feel like i'm 17 again.

it is so difficult. we knew it was going to be. but sometimes you don't realize how hard something is until you find yourself in the middle of it. you stop, turn around, and realize that you have no idea of how you got here....this was not part of the plan.
throughout my life, i've "gently" learned that plans change.

moving dad in was a major change in plans.

dad has a variety of days....good, bad, and "his" normal.

having dad live with us is very much like having another child, one who is very impatient at times. his concerns needed to be taken care of yesterday, even though, i was notified about them today. i have to remind him to take his medicine and to shower. he goes on food jags, most recently, it's been sandwiches. he could eat them every meal of every day. and he has decided to quit smoking, again (the boys are excited and i'm hopeful).

we are going out of town next weekend. the boys are so excited about riding in the boat, going fishing, and making smores! we are so happy for this opportunity. it will be good to get away before school starts. although, i am concerned about leaving the house, dogs and dad alone together for an extended period of time. thankfully, i have great friends willing to help out with anything! i hope they realize what they are in for...

i've found that i worry more now. i continue to worry about the boys and tom so much. i worry about if we made the right decision for our family. because some days, i feel like i'm sitting on top of a knot on the largest three way tug of war and i don't know how to get off without falling in the mud.

and getting stuck in the mud is not in my plans today.