chasing dandelions

i haven't written in a while.
probably because things have been busy.
for a while after my last post, things were bumpy with my dad.
we had some ups and downs.

then, last wednesday, everything changed.
i don't want to go into specific details,
but the sequence of events from that afternoon forced reality to set in.
i felt exactly like I did when i was fifteen.
worried. scared. angry.

i keep replaying the same scenario over and over again in my head.*
i'm on an airplane going down... which oxygen mask gets put on first?
mine.
but then who do i help next?
my kids.
plain and simple. no question.

after another week in the hospital, dad left today.
he thinks he can be independent.
he thinks he can take care of all of his doctor's appointments and medications.
he believes that he can do this.
and i don't have the strength to fight him on it any more.

i have to put on my own mask first.
and for lack of a better phrase... it is so hard.
if you would've asked me even two weeks ago, i would've struggled with my answer.
that internal debate of who needs my help the most and who has the priority.
i am the person who helps everyone else. it is what i do.
but now, i need to help me.
i'm forcing myself to be selfish...very new territory for me.
i wish i could say it's a happy ending like in a movie or book.
but, it's not.

i feel like everything is spinning around me and i can't catch up...
black friday is in 9 days... can't wait for midnight!
football and soccer are wrapping up. basketball is starting.
jack is like a miniature walking commentator.
give the kid a copy of the target wish book and he's set for at least 2 hours!
i can't sleep.
i can feel a break creeping up on me. i need it.
i need to completely loose my s*%@ and cry my brains out.
but i can't force it.
i have to wait. to be patient.
i hate being patient. i don't do it well.....

when we began this journey twenty months ago, i never envisioned it progressing this way.
we started with wishes, hope, and faith that with some persistence,
we could make this living situation work.
and now, i am watching those dandelion sprigs just float away in the breeze.



*on side note, i had started writing this blog entry before book club tonight and found it very fitting that one of the authors mentioned this scenario during the interview tonight.
it reaffirms my belief that things do happen for a reason.