a brewing storm

i can feel it. the perfect storm...it's brewing quite well right now.
i can just feel it.
i'm going to apologize for this ahead of time.
i will explode. i don't know when, i don't know where...and i feel so sad for that poor soul who will receive the wrath of this perfect storm.

i am so exhausted. i think that is the center of everything. but the sad part is that i'm having trouble sleeping. or when i finally go to sleep, i'm having the strangest dreams. and right now, i should be in bed. but i can't turn my brain off...
i know, that sounds like something a kid would say, but it's true. i can't stop thinking about things. life. what to make for breakfast. did sam do his homework? did we make the right decision by asking dad to live with us? did jack leave a sippy cup behind the chair? do i need toilet paper? did i really just spend almost 4 hours at the er with my dad because he has arthritis in his knee?

i may not know the answers to the first few questions, but the answer to the last one is, yes. dad's knee has been bothering him and the pain has finally gotten the best of him. so after putting the boys to bed, i drove him to the er.

usually the entire experience just gets under my skin.
the v.a. system is very frustrating and time consuming to navigate.
but tonight was different...
one nurse saw he was tremoring more than normal and she used a very calm voice and gentle touch to slow his tremors for the tests.
another nurse thanked him for his service in the army.
and the tech even apologized for things taking so long.

while we were waiting for the doctor, dad was trying to analyze why he is in this situation. he was looking for one thing that led to him sitting in the er at midnight. after much debate, i said, "maybe if you drank one more glass of water and one less glass of soda each day..." then he looked at me and said, "that's what william used to say!"

i almost lost it right then and there.

but i couldn't. i just started counting the dots on the floor. i love hospital floors for that reason. they are almost always that speckled linoleum; great for counting because i frequently don't have the right words when i'm there.

i still don't have the words for how i am feeling right now. life is life. and it is overwhelming at times. sadly, right now is one of those times. i know it will swing the other way... i just need to be patient and keep swimming through this storm.